Trying to sleep...

I worry. I am the kind of person who spends sleepless nights worrying about having forgotten to buy a loaf of bread. I am a wanderer at heart. My mind cannot sit still for more than one billionth of a billionth of a second. I think too much. Way too much. In fact so 'too much' that I can't sleep at night.
So, last night, in an effort to help me get a decent night's sleep, my sweet dear husband tried training me on some fail-proof methods of falling and staying asleep. He said,"think of nothing before you sleep." Right. That shouldn't be too difficult. So, I close my eyes and I think of nothing. But then, I have a genuine problem. I think visually. So, when I need to think of nothing, I try to visualise nothing, which ends up being something (read as the big bang and the universe and so forth and so on )......and I flipped out! Hubby dear understood. He said," let's try something else. How about a candle?" Hmm...that seems perfectly harmless. So, I thought about a candle. If you know me, you would also have guessed by now that a candle was a bigger problem than nothing. Now, I was thinking about all the scented candles I have stuffed in every drawer in my house and how I haven't used them in weeks. And the next thing I know, there's a darned mile-long todo list reeling through my mind , somewhat like a bill from a big, expensive store right after you have gone on an impulsive shopping spree. The kind of bill that seems endless and the machine just can't stop spitting out. The kind of bill that makes you wonder if you might have to starve for the next few years in order for you to revert to a normal, financially healthy lifestyle. Anyway, now I am sitting there with a pen and a wad of post-it jotting down every small little thing I need to do the next day including things like 'brush your teeth' and 'cook' and 'look for houses on craigslist'. Just in case you are starting to think that the last one seems important and makes sense, our lease doesn't end till November. Anyway, we moved on to the next thing which I think was to focus on my breath. But before that I did consider, for a fleeting moment, staring at the smoke detector. I realised even before I finished saying 's-m-o-k-e-d-e-t-e-c-t-o-r' in my head that that would be a mistake of gargantuan proportions. I would, very innocently, start with staring at the smoke detector and here's how my thoughts would flow. Smoke detector-fire alarm-previous apartment-burnt rotis-cooking experiments from childhood-other kitchen experiments from childhood-big brother and our candle making episode-wax melting in a double boiler- wax caught fire-other mischief-stealing dad's scooter- driving without license-crashing dad's scooter in the garage-his life-my life-our life-a compulsive need to call him right then and there and there's no end to the memories right? That would be the recipe you would use if you did not want to sleep. Definitely not a good idea when you are desperately trying to fall asleep. Anyway, getting back to the point, focussing on my breath turned out to be a good idea because even though my thoughts did wander from breath to lungs-oxygen-blood-heart-brain etc., at least it was contained in a finite space that is the human body, and my lack of knowledge about the way the body works sure did help ;)

Motherhood...

Imagine you are working on something really fun. Having a wonderful time. Right then, a well wisher, who thinks you might be hungry, finds you and offers you food. You don't want to eat. You might be starting to feel a little hungry. But you want to finish doing whatever fun stuff you are doing. You don't want to leave it half-way for some mundane routine like eating. The well wisher says it's been a while since your last meal and that it's time to eat. You politely refuse but she doesn't want to take no for an answer and she persists. You refuse yet another time and she goes away. You get back to having fun and in 5 minutes she's back with a bowl of food. She tries to feed you. You refuse, a little irritated this time. Now, she totally ignores you and tries to shove a spoonful of food in your mouth. You turn away and start running. You really DON'T want to eat. Why can't this woman just leave you alone?? Anyway, she starts chasing you around the house with a bowl of food and when she learns that she can never match your energy levels, she grabs you, stuffs you in a chair and 'secures' you. And there she goes again, trying to stuff food down your throat!

I always wonder why we don't trust our children to have the basic survival instinct of eating when they are hungry or when they feel like it. It's not like our kids will starve themselves to death just to spite us. I have not studied animals in their natural habitat, but from all the reading and video-watching, I never came across a single species (except the human mother) that chases it's off spring to the ends of the world with a bowl of food!

Why can't we, who teach our kids that a no means no, take no for an answer? Why can't we respect the child's wish to choose an activity over food? Why can't we understand that our children are human too. Haven't we all skipped meals for things that meant more to us at a moment in time? I have and I let my child too....