Not a homemaker or a full-time mom but the good old housewife. I stay at home and do what my grandma and my mom did and I don't feel the need to justify my choice with euphemisms. No, I do not feel less than other women who work. I do not feel greater than them either. Only blessed for not having the compulsion to prove my worth through the bucks I make. Over the 6 years of my married life, I have heard umpteen reasons why I should work. It will give you Independence (from what?), you will not feel worthless (I don't anyway), you will get to make friends (I still can), every woman should have a job (and that would be because...??), it feels good to have your own money (I'm married and hence there will never be any 'my' money), your kids will feel proud of you (so, your job is directly proportionate to how much your kids love you? really? hmmm...interesting!!), you will not lose your individuality (you really ought to look up the meaning of that word in the dictionary if you think it has anything to do with a job...), you will be respected more if you have a job and are financially independent (again, don't agree. I know well educated working women ill-treated by their family and believe it or not, they put up with it), how can you live off your husband's money (now you gotta be kidding me!!)
Interestingly enough, never has a woman ever told me that she works because she likes to. Because she wants to. Just for the heck of it. Not for the independence , not for the money, not for the 'respect', not to fit in, but just like that.
And that's what I want. To work for the heck of it. Like travelling around the world. Or going camel back through the desert. Or, being a housewife. Or watching your kids grow. Or painting. Each of these rides will sure be bumpy and there will be times when you wonder why. But you go on because you want to. Not because you have to.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Big Girl!
My little girlie is as desperate as can be. For what? To be a big girl :) I was too, at some point in my life and now I am a big girl with responsibilities of a family weighing me down. I am a big girl and I am stressed and anxious and depressed from time to time. Definitely not what I had in mind when I wished for 'big girl'. And now I know why they keep telling you be careful what you wish for!
Now I see my grandma who stopped keeping track of her age long before we could start keeping track of it. Now no one knows how old she is but her children seem to agree on something close to 90. I watch her and I see not much difference between her and my 3 year old girl. They both talk to themselves. They both make up stories, one being imaginative in doing so and the other hallucinative. Both of them cannot fathom the concept of time. For them there's now, yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday could be anytime from the moment they were born up until now. And tomorrow is anytime after now to eternity. They both bump into things because they are too distracted to see where they are going.
And now I wonder why we so desperately wish to grow up just to go a full circle and meet our end right where we started off but alone !
Now I see my grandma who stopped keeping track of her age long before we could start keeping track of it. Now no one knows how old she is but her children seem to agree on something close to 90. I watch her and I see not much difference between her and my 3 year old girl. They both talk to themselves. They both make up stories, one being imaginative in doing so and the other hallucinative. Both of them cannot fathom the concept of time. For them there's now, yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday could be anytime from the moment they were born up until now. And tomorrow is anytime after now to eternity. They both bump into things because they are too distracted to see where they are going.
And now I wonder why we so desperately wish to grow up just to go a full circle and meet our end right where we started off but alone !
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Pain.......
Today I learnt what pain is. The kind that made me wish that someone had ripped my heart out instead. My little girl was hurt today. Nothing big. Just an 'owiee' that kids get all the time. She fell from the bed and bumped her head hard enough to need two stitches. Most important lesson learnt: 'monkey jumping on the bed' song means nothing to kids. So, getting back to the point, I had to take her to the hospital and they stitched her up under local anaesthesia. Agreed that she would have felt no pain after the anaesthesia but she cried and screamed and writhed nevertheless more out of fear than pain and my heart bled. I felt helpless about not being able to do anything to ease her anxiety and pain and fear. I felt like I was less than I should be.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not the kind of mommy who wouldn't let my daughter take any risks. In fact I think all the little owiees in life will just make my girl better prepared to face the world. And strangely enough, my daughter has always been the most cautious child I have ever seen. It broke my heart to think that the first time in her life that she actually acted like a child, she was punished in a rather painful way. I just wish she would get over this fear soon and be a child again.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not the kind of mommy who wouldn't let my daughter take any risks. In fact I think all the little owiees in life will just make my girl better prepared to face the world. And strangely enough, my daughter has always been the most cautious child I have ever seen. It broke my heart to think that the first time in her life that she actually acted like a child, she was punished in a rather painful way. I just wish she would get over this fear soon and be a child again.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Kids, Oh! kids
What is it about kids that keeps us from putting them up for adoption and getting our life back? :) After I had my daughter, it's as if I have ceased to exist. My life isn't mine. Nothing is mine. Time. Space. Energy. Nothing.
And as I have come to realize the hard way, I am not the only mother who feels that way. What, then, is it that makes it worth the while? Is it the delicate kiss loaded with spit that is laid on my forehead when I sleep my worn-out sleep? Or is it the little soft hands that press my head a couple of times when it's splitting with a migraine in the hope of fixing it? Is it the naive heart that truly believes in the kiss it and fix it way of making owiees go away? Is it the soft whisper that tells me I am loved when I need it the most? Is it the feeling that washes over me every time those tiny hands wrap around my neck and 'crush' me in a bear hug? Is it the peace that I feel when I watch her smile in her sleep? Is it the innocence in her voice that asks me a million times during a one-hour flight if she is troubling me and if I am finding it difficult to 'mangage' ? Or is it the absolute earnestness in her face when she says,"Oh! We are just going to drive to Cochin, not fly?" because the plane taxies for a little longer than usual :)
Musings...
- Have you ever noticed that the longer you stare into the distance, the farther you can see. Like when I sit and stare at the sky. Now, that is something I could do for hours. Just sit and stare at the sky. Without a care in the world. The only time when I am free of thoughts. Free of worries. Free of todo lists. And as I stare, it feels like the sky is expanding. As if it were opening out its arms to embrace me, to engulf me in its quiet and peace and power and beauty and immensity. To free me from me.
- Have you ever noticed that men never want to grow up? Is it just coincidence or is there a connection between men never growing up and men never having much to complain about except work and wife?
The joy of dancing...
I love dancing. I know this is the billionth time I am saying that but I truly love dancing. Just the sound of music and watching someone dance moves me to tears. And every time I watch someone dance, my love for it only grows multi fold.
The person that I am, once that realisation has come to me, I have to figure out why. Or at least think about the 'why' part of it. So, I thought about it. And I think I have an answer. At least part of an answer.
Now there is the regular stuff of dance giving me wings and setting me free. And it takes me to another world and how this is the only thing that I do for myself. This is the only time I get for myself, a time where nothing else matters. But I think what I love the most about dancing is the pure joy of it. Not the kind of joy you get from believing that you are adding value to a system. Not the dependent variety of joy but the kind of joy you get from doing something that has no purpose in life. I don't dance for a purpose. I don't dance for a reason. I just dance. The same as I just stare at the sky or the mountain. Or listen to the water tumbling down stream. Or listening to the birds chirping. There is a quality to purposelessness that goes unmatched.
The person that I am, once that realisation has come to me, I have to figure out why. Or at least think about the 'why' part of it. So, I thought about it. And I think I have an answer. At least part of an answer.
Now there is the regular stuff of dance giving me wings and setting me free. And it takes me to another world and how this is the only thing that I do for myself. This is the only time I get for myself, a time where nothing else matters. But I think what I love the most about dancing is the pure joy of it. Not the kind of joy you get from believing that you are adding value to a system. Not the dependent variety of joy but the kind of joy you get from doing something that has no purpose in life. I don't dance for a purpose. I don't dance for a reason. I just dance. The same as I just stare at the sky or the mountain. Or listen to the water tumbling down stream. Or listening to the birds chirping. There is a quality to purposelessness that goes unmatched.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Trying to sleep...
I worry. I am the kind of person who spends sleepless nights worrying about having forgotten to buy a loaf of bread. I am a wanderer at heart. My mind cannot sit still for more than one billionth of a billionth of a second. I think too much. Way too much. In fact so 'too much' that I can't sleep at night.
So, last night, in an effort to help me get a decent night's sleep, my sweet dear husband tried training me on some fail-proof methods of falling and staying asleep. He said,"think of nothing before you sleep." Right. That shouldn't be too difficult. So, I close my eyes and I think of nothing. But then, I have a genuine problem. I think visually. So, when I need to think of nothing, I try to visualise nothing, which ends up being something (read as the big bang and the universe and so forth and so on )......and I flipped out! Hubby dear understood. He said," let's try something else. How about a candle?" Hmm...that seems perfectly harmless. So, I thought about a candle. If you know me, you would also have guessed by now that a candle was a bigger problem than nothing. Now, I was thinking about all the scented candles I have stuffed in every drawer in my house and how I haven't used them in weeks. And the next thing I know, there's a darned mile-long todo list reeling through my mind , somewhat like a bill from a big, expensive store right after you have gone on an impulsive shopping spree. The kind of bill that seems endless and the machine just can't stop spitting out. The kind of bill that makes you wonder if you might have to starve for the next few years in order for you to revert to a normal, financially healthy lifestyle. Anyway, now I am sitting there with a pen and a wad of post-it jotting down every small little thing I need to do the next day including things like 'brush your teeth' and 'cook' and 'look for houses on craigslist'. Just in case you are starting to think that the last one seems important and makes sense, our lease doesn't end till November. Anyway, we moved on to the next thing which I think was to focus on my breath. But before that I did consider, for a fleeting moment, staring at the smoke detector. I realised even before I finished saying 's-m-o-k-e-d-e-t-e-c-t-o-r' in my head that that would be a mistake of gargantuan proportions. I would, very innocently, start with staring at the smoke detector and here's how my thoughts would flow. Smoke detector-fire alarm-previous apartment-burnt rotis-cooking experiments from childhood-other kitchen experiments from childhood-big brother and our candle making episode-wax melting in a double boiler- wax caught fire-other mischief-stealing dad's scooter- driving without license-crashing dad's scooter in the garage-his life-my life-our life-a compulsive need to call him right then and there and there's no end to the memories right? That would be the recipe you would use if you did not want to sleep. Definitely not a good idea when you are desperately trying to fall asleep. Anyway, getting back to the point, focussing on my breath turned out to be a good idea because even though my thoughts did wander from breath to lungs-oxygen-blood-heart-brain etc., at least it was contained in a finite space that is the human body, and my lack of knowledge about the way the body works sure did help ;)
So, last night, in an effort to help me get a decent night's sleep, my sweet dear husband tried training me on some fail-proof methods of falling and staying asleep. He said,"think of nothing before you sleep." Right. That shouldn't be too difficult. So, I close my eyes and I think of nothing. But then, I have a genuine problem. I think visually. So, when I need to think of nothing, I try to visualise nothing, which ends up being something (read as the big bang and the universe and so forth and so on )......and I flipped out! Hubby dear understood. He said," let's try something else. How about a candle?" Hmm...that seems perfectly harmless. So, I thought about a candle. If you know me, you would also have guessed by now that a candle was a bigger problem than nothing. Now, I was thinking about all the scented candles I have stuffed in every drawer in my house and how I haven't used them in weeks. And the next thing I know, there's a darned mile-long todo list reeling through my mind , somewhat like a bill from a big, expensive store right after you have gone on an impulsive shopping spree. The kind of bill that seems endless and the machine just can't stop spitting out. The kind of bill that makes you wonder if you might have to starve for the next few years in order for you to revert to a normal, financially healthy lifestyle. Anyway, now I am sitting there with a pen and a wad of post-it jotting down every small little thing I need to do the next day including things like 'brush your teeth' and 'cook' and 'look for houses on craigslist'. Just in case you are starting to think that the last one seems important and makes sense, our lease doesn't end till November. Anyway, we moved on to the next thing which I think was to focus on my breath. But before that I did consider, for a fleeting moment, staring at the smoke detector. I realised even before I finished saying 's-m-o-k-e-d-e-t-e-c-t-o-r' in my head that that would be a mistake of gargantuan proportions. I would, very innocently, start with staring at the smoke detector and here's how my thoughts would flow. Smoke detector-fire alarm-previous apartment-burnt rotis-cooking experiments from childhood-other kitchen experiments from childhood-big brother and our candle making episode-wax melting in a double boiler- wax caught fire-other mischief-stealing dad's scooter- driving without license-crashing dad's scooter in the garage-his life-my life-our life-a compulsive need to call him right then and there and there's no end to the memories right? That would be the recipe you would use if you did not want to sleep. Definitely not a good idea when you are desperately trying to fall asleep. Anyway, getting back to the point, focussing on my breath turned out to be a good idea because even though my thoughts did wander from breath to lungs-oxygen-blood-heart-brain etc., at least it was contained in a finite space that is the human body, and my lack of knowledge about the way the body works sure did help ;)
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