Trying to sleep...

I worry. I am the kind of person who spends sleepless nights worrying about having forgotten to buy a loaf of bread. I am a wanderer at heart. My mind cannot sit still for more than one billionth of a billionth of a second. I think too much. Way too much. In fact so 'too much' that I can't sleep at night.
So, last night, in an effort to help me get a decent night's sleep, my sweet dear husband tried training me on some fail-proof methods of falling and staying asleep. He said,"think of nothing before you sleep." Right. That shouldn't be too difficult. So, I close my eyes and I think of nothing. But then, I have a genuine problem. I think visually. So, when I need to think of nothing, I try to visualise nothing, which ends up being something (read as the big bang and the universe and so forth and so on )......and I flipped out! Hubby dear understood. He said," let's try something else. How about a candle?" Hmm...that seems perfectly harmless. So, I thought about a candle. If you know me, you would also have guessed by now that a candle was a bigger problem than nothing. Now, I was thinking about all the scented candles I have stuffed in every drawer in my house and how I haven't used them in weeks. And the next thing I know, there's a darned mile-long todo list reeling through my mind , somewhat like a bill from a big, expensive store right after you have gone on an impulsive shopping spree. The kind of bill that seems endless and the machine just can't stop spitting out. The kind of bill that makes you wonder if you might have to starve for the next few years in order for you to revert to a normal, financially healthy lifestyle. Anyway, now I am sitting there with a pen and a wad of post-it jotting down every small little thing I need to do the next day including things like 'brush your teeth' and 'cook' and 'look for houses on craigslist'. Just in case you are starting to think that the last one seems important and makes sense, our lease doesn't end till November. Anyway, we moved on to the next thing which I think was to focus on my breath. But before that I did consider, for a fleeting moment, staring at the smoke detector. I realised even before I finished saying 's-m-o-k-e-d-e-t-e-c-t-o-r' in my head that that would be a mistake of gargantuan proportions. I would, very innocently, start with staring at the smoke detector and here's how my thoughts would flow. Smoke detector-fire alarm-previous apartment-burnt rotis-cooking experiments from childhood-other kitchen experiments from childhood-big brother and our candle making episode-wax melting in a double boiler- wax caught fire-other mischief-stealing dad's scooter- driving without license-crashing dad's scooter in the garage-his life-my life-our life-a compulsive need to call him right then and there and there's no end to the memories right? That would be the recipe you would use if you did not want to sleep. Definitely not a good idea when you are desperately trying to fall asleep. Anyway, getting back to the point, focussing on my breath turned out to be a good idea because even though my thoughts did wander from breath to lungs-oxygen-blood-heart-brain etc., at least it was contained in a finite space that is the human body, and my lack of knowledge about the way the body works sure did help ;)

Motherhood...

Imagine you are working on something really fun. Having a wonderful time. Right then, a well wisher, who thinks you might be hungry, finds you and offers you food. You don't want to eat. You might be starting to feel a little hungry. But you want to finish doing whatever fun stuff you are doing. You don't want to leave it half-way for some mundane routine like eating. The well wisher says it's been a while since your last meal and that it's time to eat. You politely refuse but she doesn't want to take no for an answer and she persists. You refuse yet another time and she goes away. You get back to having fun and in 5 minutes she's back with a bowl of food. She tries to feed you. You refuse, a little irritated this time. Now, she totally ignores you and tries to shove a spoonful of food in your mouth. You turn away and start running. You really DON'T want to eat. Why can't this woman just leave you alone?? Anyway, she starts chasing you around the house with a bowl of food and when she learns that she can never match your energy levels, she grabs you, stuffs you in a chair and 'secures' you. And there she goes again, trying to stuff food down your throat!

I always wonder why we don't trust our children to have the basic survival instinct of eating when they are hungry or when they feel like it. It's not like our kids will starve themselves to death just to spite us. I have not studied animals in their natural habitat, but from all the reading and video-watching, I never came across a single species (except the human mother) that chases it's off spring to the ends of the world with a bowl of food!

Why can't we, who teach our kids that a no means no, take no for an answer? Why can't we respect the child's wish to choose an activity over food? Why can't we understand that our children are human too. Haven't we all skipped meals for things that meant more to us at a moment in time? I have and I let my child too....

We the hoarders

Hoarders!  We are a funny bunch. Nope. That's not the royal we. It's just an expression of hope that others like me exist. That I am not alone. And why do I think we are a funny bunch? Because we manage to complicate our lives with things that are meant to simplify it and bring joy and peace. We hoard passions!! Can you believe that? That's right. Hoard passions!! I have these bazzilion things I feel the need to learn and do and I have absolutely no idea where to start. So, what do I do?? Well....what I do is drift around aimless and rudderless like a dandellion and land in some random place the wind happens to drop me. But again, nothing in my world is permanent. Not even my passions. So when I have barely started to explore the whole new world I have just landed in, I start to dream of and long for other new experiences and adventures and needless to say I am on my way there even before I know it. And once I am on my way, I long to go back where I came from and explore some more. But then I am already curious about the place I am going to......and this helplessness leads to stress and craziness (my husband can vouch for that part :))

So, what exactly is it that I love doing? Good question. Maybe this is my chance to figure things out for myself. Let's think about it. Well....hmm....so.....I....err....well....where do I start?! Ok, here you go and this is in no particular order of preference. I love to sew, knit, crochet, embroider. I love to play with clay. I love paper crafts (make my own greeting cards and lamp shades and that kind of stuff you know). I love to dance, I love to sing. I love to play the Violin (but I am no expert, not even close. I just started learning. ). I love to make toys for my daughter, nephew and niece. I love to play with Photoshop. I love Psychology.  I love to write.  I love drawing and painting. I love cooking.  I love photography. 

Now some people might call this creativity and talent but believe me when I say it's a curse. A very sadistic and rude joke. I can't so much as look at a matchstick without an idea pop into my head.  And do I ever get around to working on any of these projects? I have to, at this point, refer you to my very first post and then the third one. There lies the answer to the age old question,"Do I ever follow-up on my ideas".

I'm in love.....

There's been a new development in my life. I am in love. With 'X'. I have known X forever. Enjoyed X's company. X has been a part of my life for a long long time. My parents were always proud of my aquaintence with X. Not something that worried them. They were just happy for me. In fact they wanted me to take the relationship one step further and make a commitment. But I wasn't sure of that. Didn't want to commit to X. I loved Y more. Y was for me. But X has always been there. Stealthily lurking behind. Making sure to be there for me. At all times. And now I am in love with X too. Yeah! 'Too' which means I cannot get over my love with Y. Ever. But I know and believe that X and Y can co-exist. No trouble there....

Ok now people!! Don't start thinking up scandalous thoughts. Let me introduce you to X and Y before you go too far. Or maybe I should let you guess...hints anyone? Here you go. And these hints are a dead giveaway. Oh! BTW, no more grieving and lamenting over not being able to dance. It's just a silly little menescal tear and chondromalacia patella. I should be fit as a fiddle in a matter of months.

Sleeplessness

It's 3:30am. Why am I up? I have a long day ahead and I need the rest. I have a 3 year old to take care of. I need to wake up early in the morning and do what a good wife and mother does. Cook, clean, drive the husband and the daughter to work and school respectively. Sew. Pay bills. Study. Send e-mails about appointments I can't keep because something has come up.

Besides all of these, I have one very important thing to do. I have to chase my dreams. That in itself is a lot of work. Stressful. Especially when you are not even sure which dream to chase. Hard to keep doing when you are getting nowhere with any of them. I don't even know which of my dreams mean anything to me anymore. Like I said earlier, its OK to change one's mind. I think change is good. But there are 3 totally unrelated things in my life that I believe mean a lot to me. I am a dancer with a flare for designing and a very keen interest in Psychology. Life happened and I never got to get good at any of these. Now at 27, after being a housewife for 6 years, with a 3 year old doll for a daughter, here I am, up at 3:30 in the morning, wondering what to do with my life. Tough call. Especially for a person like me.... As of now, I think dancing is ruled out thanks to a busted knee, psychology will take forever and I doubt I have the bandwidth for that. So, I am just left with letting the designing 'bhoot' ride piggy-back on me and I sure do hope, this guy doesn't let go and fall off somewhere along the way.

Well...I guess writing helps. Two paragraphs earlier I was wondering what I was doing up so early. Now I not only know why I am up, but also what I want to do with my life. Wow! That's quite an achievement. Guess I'll just be happy with that for now and leave it at that.

Good(rest of the)night.....

It's OK to change your mind...

A very tiny wooden desk. A comfortable chair with a straight back. A notebook-just plain white sheets of paper. A bottle of turquoise ink. A fountain pen. This is how I would rather write. Where every thought, every emotion is captured. Forever. Where a thought cannot be 'backspaced'. Where I put down everything that I feel at that moment. I can change my mind and strike it off but it does not go away. It's not lost. The fact that I thought that thought remains and is there for me to see. Nothing to be sorry about. Nothing to be hidden. It's just a change of mind. I accept it, let it be and move on. I don't have to make it vanish into thin air as if it was never there. And if I do want to erase a recorded thought, it is a conscious well thought decision where I light a candle and hold the paper to the flame till it is all destroyed and then I get rid of the ashes. Much more complex than hitting a geometrical shape that tries to act like a button of sorts.

I just love the silence of a pen gliding over paper, spilling my thoughts. Without any distractions. Without the mindless chatter of the keyboard. Without the bright light shining in my face, the ads, the 'page layouts', the 'settings', the stress of remembering to 'save' the work. Writing blogs is so stressful for me that I invariably hit the wrong button thingie (whatever they are called) on the screen and lose everything. I hate the fact that I have to go back and type words again because my 'that' is 'taht' and I have 'typred' instead of 'typed'. I would never do that on paper.

So anyway, the point I am getting at is that I thought I would have this blog exclusively for my craft ideas but now I think I will start writing other stuff too (this and that, about life in general) coz I can't bear the thought of maintaining more than 1 blog. And if you hear nothing from my end for too long, that's because I have accidentally deleted something I totally loved and am not on talking terms with my desktop!! Since we have this innate hatred for each other, it takes us a really long time to forgive and forget :)

We, the vagabond minimalists...

Hmmm....so, we are vagabond minimalists. We hop across continents, and when we stay in a place for a few years, we move houses everytime our lease ends. Most people would find that painful but we like it. I know. We are weirdos. Our daughter is a bit confused about this whole process now but since she is a cleaniness freak (why do I say that about a 3 year old? That's got to be a whole new post!!) and the house is a big mess for a month before we move out, the joy and relief on her face when we do finally move into a clean empty house is a sight worth seeing. She thinks we moved because the house got too messy for us to handle :)

Anyway, it all works out in our favour. I get to do a lot of DIY stuff (sewing and artwork and interior decoration using pure unadulterated 'junk'). Hubby dearest gets to get rid of a lot of 'junk' (when I fail in my attempts to emotionally blackmail him to keep) and the little doll gets to redo her room all over again. We all get our way with a little bit of compromise thrown in for some flavor. And we all live happily ever after....ever after being until we move again :)

Anyway, at this point it must be really obvious that we don't own a house. So, I just do DIY projects and come up with ideas for each house based on what we already have there. Of all the houses we have lived in so far, one house had curtains and really heavy ones at that. I wanted to buy some curtain rings to pretty them up but we, as a rule try and address our 'wants' with things lying around the house. So, what did I use for curtain rings? Paper clips. Jumbo ones. With beads at the sharp ends to keep them from snagging the fabric.
Minimalistic and elegant.